just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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