So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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