I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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