i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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