Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Randomize
