he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
