you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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