just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Randomize
