I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Randomize
