I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Randomize
