OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
