I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Randomize
