Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Randomize
