I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
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