I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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