don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
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