i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
