You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Randomize
