Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
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