....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
