Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
I wear drunk well.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
