i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Randomize
