Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
