I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
