I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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