I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
