Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
