goodnight i made you a song goodbye
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
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