The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
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