having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
