I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
