I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
