All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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