I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
