Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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