Four minutes until I can fart!
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Randomize