My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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