is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
