I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Randomize
