My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
