Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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