someone get that fucking seahorse.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Randomize
