I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Randomize
