The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
