those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Dick very happy bro
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
