I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Randomize