I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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