Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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