He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
he had hair everywhere except his balls
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
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