Just fell off a train. Bad.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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