I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
