my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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