I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
