1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
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