Well douche your snatch and let's go!
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
