What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
