I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
