I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
