It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
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